Haikus

Today I'm hyper.
Sometimes I cry forever.
But I am okay.


Deanna Troi feels.
How does she handle it all?
She just makes it so.


My heat races.
My legs are always shaking.
Anxiety dance.


Crying on a bike.
I don't know why I am sad.
Watermelon eyes.


Frodo has burdens
That mountain is way too high
Thank god for Sam Wise.


Bugs are so tiny.
Bugs are beautiful and weird.
You say I bug you.


So much inside me.
Feelings, beer, and the pizza.
No room for my love.


Buffy is stronger
I wish I could save the world.
Too busy sleeping.


Depression is bad
Just like once upon a time,
You feel all alone.


Monsters eat heroes
Heroes eat the sandwiches,
I eat everything.


Darkness inside me
So thick I can barely breathe
Get it out now please.


Vampires drink blood
They need an invitation
Don't invite them in.


Most wizards are boys
But I'd look good in the cloak
So would Bjork, duh.

Feelings vs Fact

Feeling: No one wants me around.

Fact: No one wants me around if I go around saying weird stuff like, “no one wants me around.”

Feeling: I’m morbidly obese.

Fact: I’m morbidly obese in Los Angeles.

Feeling: Everything about me is too big.

Fact: My heart and sensitivity are quite big. My pussy is not.

Feeling: I don’t have any friends.

Fact: I don’t have any of the NBC Friends tv show on dvd.


Feeling: I hurt everyone I love.

Fact: I kick everyone I love’s ass at air hockey.


Feeling: Everyone would be happier if I wasn’t around.

Fact: Some people would be happier if I wasn’t around, but they are probably men’s rights activists or something gross like that. Some people would be sadder if I wasn’t around. Most people would not notice or care. Some people would be happier if I was happier.


Feeling: My weirdness fucked up my parents' marriage.

Fact: 1/2 of all marriages end. My parents are still together. Most relationships go through a rough patch. My parents had a rough patch and I was the topic, but if I hadn't been the topic of the rough patch, something else would have been the topic and they still would have had aforementioned patch. Relationships are like jean jackets: lots of rough patches on the ones that last.


Feeling: My shyness and social anxiety hurt a lot of people's feelings.

Fact: ...Male seahorses carry the baby when they're pregnant.

Feeling: I’m an asshole.

Fact: Everyone’s an asshole sometimes

Super Powers

If I’ve learned anything from spending countless hours reading Marvel Comics’ The Incredible Hulk, it’s that with great power… comes the loss of communication skills. Additionally, whenever I’m shy or nervous, my communication skills worsen as well. So if we can follow that logic, whenever I’m shy or nervous… I have super strength.

SCENE: White room, lots of computers, important looking sciency people and businessy people running about and saying things like “stat!”

General: This is a code green. We have to call her in.

Lieutenant: But sir, she doesn’t even know what she is, or how she’s doing it. Is it fair to do something like this without her consent?

General: God damn it, Last Name, I don’t have time to think about the feelings of one little nerdy girl when the entire fate of the world hangs in the ballance. This is it, what we’ve been training for. Let’s send her in.

Lieutenant: Okay, she’s being dropped off at the location now.

General: Good, stand by, men, this is what we’re waiting for.

On a huge monitor we see a dark grey evil mad scientist bad guy’s lab. (Open to interpretation and subjectivity.) In walks in Barbara, short brunnette with glasses and bangs.

Barbara: (on monitor screen) Oh, hey… this guy gave me a ride here and said some friends were um, throwing a party…

Super villain: (on screen): EVIL LAUGH there are no friends for you here!

General:  Good, she’s already starting to stammer. Her powers are heating up. Send in the trigger.

On monitor screen we see a cool looking young woman, short purple hair, lots of tattoos, great taste in clothes, she walks up to Barbara.

Cool woman: Hey Barbara, did you hear the new song by the Mountain Goats?

Barbara: Oh, um, yes, I mean… no I haven’t yet… but I want to.

Cool woman: Wait, you do know who the Mountain Goats are, don’t you?

Barbara: Um, yeah, uh, of course I do.

Cool woman: Yeah. What’s your favorite song by them?

Barbara: Um, I like, the one, I mean, I like, uh, all of them….

Barbara screams in agony, turns bright green, huge and muscly, growling in strength and hulk-like mania. Barbara smashes through all of the machinery, grabs evil villain by the shirt collar and shakes him in the air.

Super villain: Okay, I’m sorry! I surrender!

Barbara: Don’t make me socially anxious. You won’t like me… when I’m socially anxious.